When an aging parent or loved one needs support, families often rally together. But while intentions may be good, it’s not uncommon for siblings to clash over how care should be managed. Differences in opinion, availability, financial contributions, or emotional ties can lead to tension - and sometimes, silence.
If you’re struggling to agree with your siblings about care decisions, you’re not alone. These conversations are hard - but with the right approach, they can also become an opportunity for deeper understanding and shared purpose.
Why Do Siblings Disagree About Care?
Care decisions bring long-standing family dynamics to the surface. Some common sources of conflict include:
- Uneven caregiving roles – One sibling feels they're doing all the work.
- Different perceptions – One thinks Mum is fine; another sees signs of decline.
- Geographical distance – One lives close by, another is managing things from afar.
- Money matters – Disputes over who pays for what or whether care is “worth” the cost.
- Past family roles – Old resentments or patterns resurface (e.g., “You were always Mum’s favorite”).
👉 Related blog: From Parent to Patient: When Roles Reverse in the Family
Step 1: Acknowledge the Emotion Behind the Conflict
Disagreements are often less about logistics and more about grief, guilt, or fear. Try to see beyond the frustration and understand what’s driving the other person’s point of view.
Ask yourself:
- Are they scared of losing control?
- Do they feel left out or unheard?
- Are they grieving a loss of who your parent used to be?
Starting from a place of empathy helps shift the tone from blame to understanding.
Step 2: Bring Everyone to the Table
Schedule a time to talk - ideally face-to-face or on a video call - and include all relevant voices. Come in with a shared goal: what’s best for Mum/Dad, not who’s “right.”
Tips for a productive conversation:
- Have an agenda to keep the conversation focused
- Give everyone uninterrupted time to speak
- Don’t assume - you might be surprised by what others are willing or able to do
- Focus on the present needs, not old grievances
Step 3: Define Roles Clearly
Not everyone can contribute in the same way - and that’s okay. The goal is to divide tasks based on capacity, not just proximity or assumptions.
Here are a few ways to divide care:
- Primary contact (medical appointments, emergencies)
- Emotional support (regular phone calls, keeping spirits up)
- Logistics and scheduling
- Finances or bill management
- Hands-on care (meals, hygiene, transport)
- Remote tech support (setting up apps like Elli Cares)
👉 Related blog: How to Support a Loved One With Dementia From Afar
Step 4: Use Tech to Stay in Sync
Apps like Elli Cares allow family members to:
- Share updates and reminders
- Track mood, symptoms, and adherence
- View scheduled tasks and who’s done what
- Stay informed without needing a group chat explosion
With Elli’s Care Team feature, everyone stays in the loop - no matter where they live or how much they’re able to contribute.
Step 5: When to Bring in a Mediator
If conversations stall, or emotions keep derailing progress, consider involving a neutral third party:
- A geriatric care manager
- Social worker
- Dementia support organization
- Family counselor
Sometimes, an outside voice can help cut through emotional noise and focus the group on practical, compassionate decisions.
👉Take a look at Von Rock Law's article on Navigating Elder Care Conflicts: How Family Mediators Can Help
Final Thoughts
Sibling disagreements around care are incredibly common - and incredibly human. The good news? With clarity, open communication, and a shared commitment to your parent’s wellbeing, these conversations can lead to better outcomes and stronger relationships.
At Elli Cares, we support families with tools that make caregiving more collaborative, transparent, and less overwhelming. No one should carry the responsibility alone.
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